I saw the following tweet first thing this morning and it brought me to tears (read: I was ugly crying ya’ll):

Feeling heavy hearted at the moment for the many abuse survivors who are home tonight feeling alone and isolated as they continue to suffer in silence, losing hope that the nightmare has an end. We will never give up you…

— Boz Tchividjian (@BozT) March 10, 2018

I am so grateful for everything this man and the organization he founded is doing to help those who have experienced sexual abuse within the christian organization!

And, if I’m going to be completely transparent, I am also emotionally exhausted, and becoming increasingly hard-hearted despite the few really good, fruit producing seeds.

For the past nine months, I have been on my knees, open-handed, and begging God to help me undo the brainwashing and navigate the feelings associated with reliving trauma, related to the 30+ years of abuse that I survived at Victory Church, in Henrietta, NY. Thanks to additional victims coming forward, and the media coverage in 2014 and again in 2017 that surrounded these new abuse allegations, the unhealed parts of me continue to bubble up and resurface.

I just can’t anymore. The silence of the pain is deafening.

After meeting with five of these amazing girls last month, and hearing their heartbreaking and all too familiar stories,  it eventually broke me. I jumped in my Jeep and drove Wednesday night. I drove and drove until I finally “came to” and found myself two states away (typical Jonah move, I realize this now in my newfound clarity).

I always do this. I always run when this specific emotional trigger gets lit with the metaphorical fire poker. Ugh!!!

(God forgive me and my itty bitty faith. Thank you for remaining faithful even when I am faithless (2 Timothy 2:13))!

So, I slept in my Jeep with my hundred and forty pound Great Dane, Athena, on a twenty eight degree night, and then drove another twelve (absent minded, tear filled) hours back home on Friday. I can barely remember the journey or what transpired in between. When I eventually returned home, I cried and started fights with my family and cried some more. I finally swallowed my pride, broke down, popped an Ativan (for such the times as these), and eventually passed out until this morning.

How long, O God?

I know You are holy, and good, and just (Psalm 99:8-9, Psalm 136:1, Deuteronomy 32:4).

Your word tells me that You are close to the broken hearted (Psalm 34:18). And, that You collect all my tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8).

You see. You know (Hebrews 4:13).

You promise to never leave nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5).

You loved me so much You sent Your only begotten son to die in my place (John 3:16, Romans 3:23, Romans 6:23, Acts 3:19, Romans 10:13).

You give the elect Your gift of unconditional love and eternal grace (Romans 8:28-29).

Lord, I believe these things (help my unbelief (Mark 9:24))!

The church body, and even unbelievers, are slowly becoming sick of hearing all these stories of abuse. Have we become desensitized already? Because of…

story

after story

after story

after story

after story

…of finger pointing, twisting scripture, coverering over, and mishandling situations surrounding allegations of abuse. Don’t let your hearts grow cold. Let them burn with righteous anger. Let that righteous anger be your fuel to act!

Abuse survivors, including myself, are watching and waiting for the church to stand up and do what is right. To do what Jesus would do. Stand up to your institution if abuse has taken place and leadership has failed to properly act!

Do not return to the building.

Do not tithe.

Quit your volunteer position.

Quit your paid staff position.

God is bigger than all of this!! Those still voluntarily involved with Victory Church: Why are you more worried about attending your big programs, maintaining your position, or job? Aren’t you more valuable to God than a sparrow? Doesn’t he provide for even the least of these? The message you send when you stay in an abusive institution parading around as a church is that this abuse taking place and being explained away or covered up is ok!! IT’S NOT OK!!!!!!

Make a stand! Stand boldly (Hebrews 13:6)!!!

Encourage others, in truth and love, to do the same!

Abuse survivors need to know we are not alone. We need to know that these abusive tactics being used to shame and silence us is not how a true church body should behave. In the bible, those who loved like Jesus would immediately stop what they were doing to minister and counsel and tend to the wounds of the hurting and broken. The world needs to see you make a stand and set this example. The world needs to see the false gospels and preachers being pointed out and pushed back. The Gospel mesaage is being added to in order to protect church leaders, the institution, and tithe income. This needs to stop! There are souls at stake here!!!

As Rachael Denhollander , former gymnast who confronted her Sexual Abuser, Larry Nasser, in court once asked, “How much is a child worth?”

So I will ask you, Victory Church: How much is your daughter or son worth?

We need to be more worried about protecting the most vulnerable in our church body than we are about saving a church reputation. Our sovereign God does not need His holy church or infallible word defended!

Choose you this day whom you will serve (and whom you will defend).

Lord, give us the strength to do what is right and the discernment to know what that is. IJN, amen

*NOTE: If church leadership does not immediately report abuse to the police (NOT just any police guy or lawyer contact they’re friends with or who happen to go to the same church), they are not properly acting or responding to abuse allegations. If this is the case, it is imperative a third party be brought in to do a proper investigation of said allegations. You need to demand this type of investigation take place!

One such organization I would HIGHLY recommend is G.R.A.C.E. (Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment). GRACE was founded by former child abuse prosecutor, Basyle “Boz” Tchividjian. Boz currently works as a law professor, and is an acting member of the board of directors for GRACE. He also happens to be the grandson to Billy Graham.

As per the GRACE website…

The mission of GRACE is to empower the Christian community through education and training to recognize, prevent, and respond to child abuse.

Understanding Protection

Protecting individuals and educating churches and other faith based organizations how to protect the vulnerable.

Understanding Survivors

Helping churches love and serve survivors of abuse who are in their midst.

Understanding Offenders

GRACE’s team includes former prosecutors and top Christian psychologists with a background in dealing with child predators.

Understanding the Church

GRACE has a strong theological background and practical experience in organizational leadership.

• GRACE assists Christian organizations with educational programs and effective child abuse prevention policies.
• GRACE assists organizations to deal with with abuse cases and develop appropriate response protocols
• At a church or organization’s request, GRACE’s team of experts and former prosecutors conduct a thorough and objective investigation of abuse allegations.
• A wealth of resources can educate and assist churches in being prepared to avoid problems, and to address the offense of child abuse if it occurs.

 
CONNECT WITH GRACE:

WEBSITE: http://www.netgrace.org
EMAIL: [email protected]
TWITTER: https://twitter.com/netgrace_org
FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/Godly-Response-to-Abuse-in-the-Christian-Environment-GRACE-102403896480483/
INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/netgrace_org/
  

RESOURCES FOR VICTIMS OF ABUSE:

MARY DEMUTH: http://www.marydemuth.com/sexual-abuse-resources/ 

NSAH: The National Sexual Assault Hotline has free, confidential, secure support available. Call 1-800-656-HOPE to speak to someone.

RAINN: https://www.rainn.org/national-resources-sexual-assault-survivors-and-their-loved-ones

How long, O God?

Have you ever found yourself lamenting in prayer this phrase?

Nearly two decades ago I assumed the online name / alter ego Jael. The Old Testament story of her courage in exposing an evil man spoke to me at a deep, spiritual level. I wanted to be Jael. I wanted to have her strength and bravery. I wanted her story to be my story (Judges 4:1-23, 5:1-31).

But it wasn’t.

I wasn’t brave; I was weak.

Scared.

Silenced.

I struggled back then to understand my worth. It was never said aloud to me, but hidden actions screamed that I was less than, insignificant, an object to be used and abused. I longed to be accepted and protected. I confused being desired with being loved.

All these years later and I am still trying to heal from those wounds. They claw at my mind in the dark as I struggle to retreat into sleep. I wake in the middle of the night, covered in sweat, heart racing, eyes leaking memories of things I’d much rather forget.

How long, O God?

Turning on the TV or browsing social media has been super triggering lately. Story after story of (men and) women coming forward with claims of sexual harassment, rape and abuse. Cries of “me too!” and “church too!” echo off the lips of the sons and daughters of the Holy One. I want so badly to turn it off. Figuratively and quite literally. But, I can’t. And, isn’t this what I prayed for? Didn’t I beg God to bring these atrocities to light? Isn’t this a clear answer to a very recent prayer?

Why then does it seem like He’s so distant. Is there unconfessed sin in my heart, Lord? Bring it to mind if there is so I can confess it! This distance and silence is breaking me. I am crumbling under the weight of a load I was never meant to carry.

Did I do the wrong thing? Was it not your will for me to finally speak out? Did I go about it the wrong way? Have I burdened the leadership of your church and caused them to distance themselves and shun me? Is this guilt and shame I am feeling simply an attack from the enemy?

How long, O God?

I retreat to the quiet places and look for you. I pick up the bible and read, but my heart is only temporarily softened. It’s as if my entire being has turned into a hardened sponge and only drops of water are being absorbed at a time. I spend hours reading, praying, seeking, begging God for relief.

Is that the problem? Is it that I idolize relief and comfort over truly knowing You, Lord? Have I fallen into that trap again? If so, I beg You God, break me of that habit and give me eyes to see You in a way I haven’t before. Humble me, Lord. Break down my pride and subdue me. Do whatever it takes! I still struggle to trust You over my feelings, Lord. Give me the power to persevere, believe, and obey. Help me to make this life more all about You and less not about me!

“If anyone causes one of these little ones –those who believe in me– to stumble, it would be better for them if a large millstone were hung around their neck and they were thrown into the sea.” ~Mark 9:42

“Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are.” ~Arthur Golden

When I was four or five years old. My mom had me stand at the top of the stairs in our thousand square foot, split level house, and jump into her arms in an attempt to explain Faith to me.  Faith that she’d catch me. Faith that there was a God who sent His son to die for me.

I’m sure her intentions were pure, but unfortunately the only thing I took away from the conversation that night was that there was this really scary place called Hell. And, if I didn’t say a special prayer to God, I was going to burn in the lake of fire for all eternity.

I remember inviting my friends to church at a very young age, thinking that if I could only get them to hear this magical prayer, recite it and really mean it, they’d earn their “get outta Hell free card” just like me.

I must have said the sinner’s prayer at least a dozen times growing up, hoping I’d eventually get it right. When God didn’t save me from the darkness that consumed my life or fit in the perfectly wrapped package I had created for Him, I began to question and doubt His goodness.

Don’t get me wrong, if anyone asked me if I believed in God, I’d tell them, “I have faith!”  I believed there was a God. I believed in the power of God, but I never yielded to Christ. Without even realizing it, I had jumped on the treadmill of Jesus plus something else…

Growing up, I can remember being left alone often as a young child. My mother had struggles of her own which made her physically and emotionally unavailable most days of the week.  On the weekend she spent most of her time at church practicing for the choir or cleaning up for service. My father worked 2-3 jobs just to make ends meet. On weekends, he acted as the church treasurer and was an active member on the deacon board.  As the eldest of four, a lot of the responsibility of managing my younger siblings unofficially fell on me.

I didn’t have many friends and looking back I realize now it was because my family led a double life.  I learned not to speak of what happened in private, to smile even when things at home were tough.  I often felt unloved and unsafe. I never felt good enough or that anyone could possibly understand or relate to what I was going through. I adapted and learned to be a chameleon in order to blend in and be accepted. I quickly realized that I couldn’t trust or rely on other people, especially those in a position of power over me. This caused me to feel even more isolated and alone.

I spent more hours in a church building than I did my own home. It wasn’t uncommon for families like mine to allow their children free reign of the church. We acted like we owned the place… I actually remember the pastor at the time scolding some of the parents, including my own, that would try and correct their kids who were running and laughing and playing, saying something along the lines of ,”The kids are just being kids, let them be.”

Unfortunately, as awesome as my childhood church seemed at the time, the gospel being preached was being watered down and the congregation started to believe all kinds of errors. The enemy used deception to pull members far from God.

Before I was old enough to write my name, I had been repeatedly sexually abused by a man that was very involved in this church.  He not only abused me, but he abused my younger sister and some of the other girls who attended as well.

“ENDIT” movements like “NOMORE” and “LOVE146” hadn’t hit the scene yet, so most parents weren’t educated on the warning signs of predatory behavior or sexual abuse. When abusers started to raise up within the church, their behavior was covered over and victims were blamed in an attempt to protect the churches reputation and tithing income.

I can remember feeling embarrassed and scared to speak out. The few times I tried, I was shunned and ignored, or was told that no one would believe me because of sins from my past. I seemed to be a magnet for these types of individuals and was made to believe that I had somehow asked for the abuse with the way that I had dressed or behaved.

I would pray to God, BEGGING for His help, but I realize now I was more interested in the comfort or escape I thought He would provide for me. I wasn’t interested in surrendering myself to Him.

By the time I turned 18 my heart was completely hardened to the things of God and I left my childhood church completely. I began to look to the world for my identity.

In 2001 I met my husband, Derek. We were married two years later.  On the outside looking in, I had what some would consider to be “the perfect life,” and I was working hard to maintain that image. We even started to attend a new church with our family. I tried not to let on that everything I was pursuing was only bringing temporary relief. On the inside, I was lacking REAL JOY and peace.

I can remember at my lowest points quoting Romans 9 and telling my husband things like, “The bible says that God is the potter and we are the clay.  He creates vessels of Glory and vessels of wrath.  I must be a vessel of wrath” and “I am no more than a Judas to God,” or “I guess God didn’t pick me.”

In October 2013, I totaled my car and shortly after was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder (Lupus) and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I battled with insomnia, paranoia, dissociation and distorted thinking. My cognitive skills and memory was affected which ultimately led to loss of my job. Medical bills started pouring in and we struggled to make ends meet.

My heart was heavy and consumed with anger.

One evening in particular stands out to me. It was only a couple weeks after I totaled my car.  I was so low I wanted to end my life. I waited until my husband and kids were sound asleep.  I was just about to leave my bedroom to carry out my plans when my cell phone buzzed and lit up the room. It was my best friend from childhood messaging me via Facebook, out of the blue, simply to let me know that God had put it on her heart to reach out and pray for me. We hadn’t spoke often since we were kids, so she couldn’t possibly know how much God was using her in that moment to extend His grace and love to me.

In February 2014 I went and did a really crazy thing. I drove out and met face to face with one of the men that sexually abused me as a young child. I approached him and his wife and the long and the short of it is, I was tempted to kill him.  I almost tried… As I was about to drive away, I thought about running him over with my truck. Thankfully God put another vehicle in my path and gave me a moment of clarity to realize He was giving me a way of escape, a backdoor out.

But the spiritual battle didn’t end there.  In March 2014, Rob Morris with LOVE146 visited my church. He did a service on compassion and told stories of young children he worked with who were sexually abused and sold into slavery. His message completely broke me.

To make matters worse, just before Summer some individuals from the Media contacted me to dig into some of the repeat sexual abuse claims that were reported with my childhood church.  While I chose not to speak with the reporters, their relentless efforts really opened up some old wounds. This ultimately led me into a downward spiral.

Fast forward six months to November. The pastor of my current church did a service on Acts 8. It was about a man named Simon the Magician. Simon had this false belief that he was going to be able to take the things of God and add them to his already great life. He believed the things of God, but he did not submit to them as his authority.

While listening to the sermon being preached, I realized that I had this hollow idea that God was going to give something to me because of all the horrible things I had gone through in life. I realized that I was just like Simon the Magician.

It wasn’t like there were magic things that happened at this point or a magic prayer that I said. I simply repented and believed.  A lightbulb went on, and my heart was opened to The Explicit Gospel for the very first time in my life.

God opened my eyes. He opened my heart. He rescued me in that moment. Hebrews 6:19 finally made sense to me!

“For we have this HOPE that ANCHORS the SOUL, firm and secure.”

The next morning I woke up feeling joy and peace.  I thanked God for giving me breath.  I thanked God for the trials he brought me through and prayed for the wives of the men that abused me.  I begged God to do whatever He needed to do in order to bring those men to repentance, so they could be released from the burdens of sin and spiritual death.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him would not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.” ~John 3:16-17

All the awful things I experienced has taught me that everything in life can teach you a lesson.  You just have to be willing to learn. And, when you stop thinking life is all about yourself, THAT is when God can start to use you.  THAT is when you begin to experience REAL JOY.

I know my journey is far from over, but I can be confident of this…

“He who began a good work in [me] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” ~Philippians 1:6

“Whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things, I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ – the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.  Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers and Sisters, I do not consider myself to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” ~Philippians 3:7-14

**RELATED POST:  Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse

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