I saw the following tweet first thing this morning and it brought me to tears (read: I was ugly crying ya’ll):
Feeling heavy hearted at the moment for the many abuse survivors who are home tonight feeling alone and isolated as they continue to suffer in silence, losing hope that the nightmare has an end. We will never give up you…
— Boz Tchividjian (@BozT) March 10, 2018
I am so grateful for everything this man and the organization he founded is doing to help those who have experienced sexual abuse within the christian organization!
And, if I’m going to be completely transparent, I am also emotionally exhausted, and becoming increasingly hard-hearted despite the few really good, fruit producing seeds.
For the past nine months, I have been on my knees, open-handed, and begging God to help me undo the brainwashing and navigate the feelings associated with reliving trauma, related to the 30+ years of abuse that I survived at Victory Church, in Henrietta, NY. Thanks to additional victims coming forward, and the media coverage in 2014 and again in 2017 that surrounded these new abuse allegations, the unhealed parts of me continue to bubble up and resurface.
I just can’t anymore. The silence of the pain is deafening.
After meeting with five of these amazing girls last month, and hearing their heartbreaking and all too familiar stories, it eventually broke me. I jumped in my Jeep and drove Wednesday night. I drove and drove until I finally “came to” and found myself two states away (typical Jonah move, I realize this now in my newfound clarity).
I always do this. I always run when this specific emotional trigger gets lit with the metaphorical fire poker. Ugh!!!
(God forgive me and my itty bitty faith. Thank you for remaining faithful even when I am faithless (2 Timothy 2:13))!
So, I slept in my Jeep with my hundred and forty pound Great Dane, Athena, on a twenty eight degree night, and then drove another twelve (absent minded, tear filled) hours back home on Friday. I can barely remember the journey or what transpired in between. When I eventually returned home, I cried and started fights with my family and cried some more. I finally swallowed my pride, broke down, popped an Ativan (for such the times as these), and eventually passed out until this morning.
I know You are holy, and good, and just (Psalm 99:8-9, Psalm 136:1, Deuteronomy 32:4).
Your word tells me that You are close to the broken hearted (Psalm 34:18). And, that You collect all my tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8).
You see. You know (Hebrews 4:13).
You promise to never leave nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5).
You loved me so much You sent Your only begotten son to die in my place (John 3:16, Romans 3:23, Romans 6:23, Acts 3:19, Romans 10:13).
You give the elect Your gift of unconditional love and eternal grace (Romans 8:28-29).
Lord, I believe these things (help my unbelief (Mark 9:24))!
The church body, and even unbelievers, are slowly becoming sick of hearing all these stories of abuse. Have we become desensitized already? Because of…
after story
after story
after story
after story
…of finger pointing, twisting scripture, coverering over, and mishandling situations surrounding allegations of abuse. Don’t let your hearts grow cold. Let them burn with righteous anger. Let that righteous anger be your fuel to act!
Abuse survivors, including myself, are watching and waiting for the church to stand up and do what is right. To do what Jesus would do. Stand up to your institution if abuse has taken place and leadership has failed to properly act!
Do not return to the building.
Do not tithe.
Quit your volunteer position.
Quit your paid staff position.
God is bigger than all of this!! Those still voluntarily involved with Victory Church: Why are you more worried about attending your big programs, maintaining your position, or job? Aren’t you more valuable to God than a sparrow? Doesn’t he provide for even the least of these? The message you send when you stay in an abusive institution parading around as a church is that this abuse taking place and being explained away or covered up is ok!! IT’S NOT OK!!!!!!
Make a stand! Stand boldly (Hebrews 13:6)!!!
Encourage others, in truth and love, to do the same!
Abuse survivors need to know we are not alone. We need to know that these abusive tactics being used to shame and silence us is not how a true church body should behave. In the bible, those who loved like Jesus would immediately stop what they were doing to minister and counsel and tend to the wounds of the hurting and broken. The world needs to see you make a stand and set this example. The world needs to see the false gospels and preachers being pointed out and pushed back. The Gospel mesaage is being added to in order to protect church leaders, the institution, and tithe income. This needs to stop! There are souls at stake here!!!
As Rachael Denhollander , former gymnast who confronted her Sexual Abuser, Larry Nasser, in court once asked, “How much is a child worth?”
So I will ask you, Victory Church: How much is your daughter or son worth?
We need to be more worried about protecting the most vulnerable in our church body than we are about saving a church reputation. Our sovereign God does not need His holy church or infallible word defended!
Choose you this day whom you will serve (and whom you will defend).
Lord, give us the strength to do what is right and the discernment to know what that is. IJN, amen
*NOTE: If church leadership does not immediately report abuse to the police (NOT just any police guy or lawyer contact they’re friends with or who happen to go to the same church), they are not properly acting or responding to abuse allegations. If this is the case, it is imperative a third party be brought in to do a proper investigation of said allegations. You need to demand this type of investigation take place!
One such organization I would HIGHLY recommend is G.R.A.C.E. (Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment). GRACE was founded by former child abuse prosecutor, Basyle “Boz” Tchividjian. Boz currently works as a law professor, and is an acting member of the board of directors for GRACE. He also happens to be the grandson to Billy Graham.
As per the GRACE website…
The mission of GRACE is to empower the Christian community through education and training to recognize, prevent, and respond to child abuse.
Understanding Protection
Protecting individuals and educating churches and other faith based organizations how to protect the vulnerable.
Understanding Survivors
Helping churches love and serve survivors of abuse who are in their midst.
Understanding Offenders
GRACE’s team includes former prosecutors and top Christian psychologists with a background in dealing with child predators.
Understanding the Church
GRACE has a strong theological background and practical experience in organizational leadership.
With over 60 million child abuse survivors nationwide, we are a country riddled with abuse and the effects of it. Too often, those within the Church have been uninformed about the complexities of child abuse. This has compounded its damaging effects on individuals, families, and faith communities with inappropriate and even negligent responses to signs and disclosures of abuse. Our collective failure as Christians to properly care for the most innocent and vulnerable among us has often been staggering.
As followers of Jesus Christ, the GRACE team seeks to be faithful and obedient to his teaching and the teachings of the whole of Scripture, which we believe put great value in the compassionate care and advocacy for children.
He took a little child and had him stand among them. Taking him in his arms, he said to them, “Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me.”
-Mark 9:36-37 (NIV)
We believe that our care of children—our “welcoming” of them among us—is a direct reflection of our love for and obedience to God. Whatever we do for children, is done for him.
We hope to equip others with a vision for authentic responsibility, accountability, and compassion in the care for children and adult survivors of abuse. Though the history of the Church can make this approach seem radical, we believe it is nothing more and nothing less than the fulfillment of Jesus’ teaching.
We believe with proper education and training every church and ministry organization can navigate its responsibility to appropriately care for those who have been impacted by abuse.
GRACE exists to equip and assist faith communities to mirror God’s justice, mercy, and compassion for children and survivors of all ages
- GRACE assists Christian organizations with educational programs and effective child abuse prevention policies.
- GRACE assists organizations to deal with with abuse cases and develop appropriate response protocols
- At a church or organization’s request, GRACE’s team of experts and former prosecutors conduct a thorough and objective investigation of abuse allegations.
- A wealth of resources can educate and assist churches in being prepared to avoid problems, and to address the offense of child abuse if it occurs.
CONNECT WITH GRACE:
WEBSITE: http://www.netgrace.org
EMAIL: [email protected]
TWITTER: https://twitter.com/netgrace_org
FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/Godly-Response-to-Abuse-in-the-Christian-Environment-GRACE-102403896480483/
INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/netgrace_org/
RESOURCES FOR VICTIMS OF ABUSE:
MARY DEMUTH: http://www.marydemuth.com/sexual-abuse-resources/
NSAH: The National Sexual Assault Hotline has free, confidential, secure support available. Call 1-800-656-HOPE to speak to someone.
RAINN: https://www.rainn.org/national-resources-sexual-assault-survivors-and-their-loved-ones
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How long, O God?
Have you ever found yourself lamenting in prayer this phrase?
Nearly two decades ago I assumed the online name / alter ego Jael. The Old Testament story of her courage in exposing an evil man spoke to me at a deep, spiritual level. I wanted to be Jael. I wanted to have her strength and bravery. I wanted her story to be my story (Judges 4:1-23, 5:1-31).
But it wasn’t.
I wasn’t brave; I was weak.
Scared.
Silenced.
I struggled back then to understand my worth. It was never said aloud to me, but hidden actions screamed that I was less than, insignificant, an object to be used and abused. I longed to be accepted and protected. I confused being desired with being loved.
All these years later and I am still trying to heal from those wounds. They claw at my mind in the dark as I struggle to retreat into sleep. I wake in the middle of the night, covered in sweat, heart racing, eyes leaking memories of things I’d much rather forget.
How long, O God?
Turning on the TV or browsing social media has been super triggering lately. Story after story of (men and) women coming forward with claims of sexual harassment, rape and abuse. Cries of “me too!” and “church too!” echo off the lips of the sons and daughters of the Holy One. I want so badly to turn it off. Figuratively and quite literally. But, I can’t. And, isn’t this what I prayed for? Didn’t I beg God to bring these atrocities to light? Isn’t this a clear answer to a very recent prayer?
Why then does it seem like He’s so distant. Is there unconfessed sin in my heart, Lord? Bring it to mind if there is so I can confess it! This distance and silence is breaking me. I am crumbling under the weight of a load I was never meant to carry.
Did I do the wrong thing? Was it not your will for me to finally speak out? Did I go about it the wrong way? Have I burdened the leadership of your church and caused them to distance themselves and shun me? Is this guilt and shame I am feeling simply an attack from the enemy?
How long, O God?
I retreat to the quiet places and look for you. I pick up the bible and read, but my heart is only temporarily softened. It’s as if my entire being has turned into a hardened sponge and only drops of water are being absorbed at a time. I spend hours reading, praying, seeking, begging God for relief.
Is that the problem? Is it that I idolize relief and comfort over truly knowing You, Lord? Have I fallen into that trap again? If so, I beg You God, break me of that habit and give me eyes to see You in a way I haven’t before. Humble me, Lord. Break down my pride and subdue me. Do whatever it takes! I still struggle to trust You over my feelings, Lord. Give me the power to persevere, believe, and obey. Help me to make this life more all about You and less not about me!
Show me Your goodness!
And, thank you for this opportunity for my faith to grow.
Ode to Jael by Katie Botkin
He thinks that you, a woman
will give him all that he desires:
warm welcome, the work of your body,
a pillow to repose upon and sleep.
So when he speaks, he uses his own language;
the glint of his armor and the dried blood on his sword
will do the translating for him.
He is a commander.
You are a woman as women ought to be,
and your deferential bows will bring your forehead to the floor.
And his, as well:
His head will never leave it
when you show him what a woman can do in the strength of her own power,
and drive the tent stake through his temple
as he sleeps in your perfumed bed.
Psalm 34:18
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.
Psalm 51:1-17
1 Have mercy on me,[a] O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!
3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment.
5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6 Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right[b] spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from your presence,
and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit.
13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will return to you.
14 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,
O God of my salvation,
and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
Romans 5:3-5
3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope,5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
ATTENTION!!!! If you were a victim of abuse at Victory Church, it’s not too late, please! consider joining these most recent victims who are bravely speaking up. You are not alone. The Sheriff’s Office encourages other possible victims to come forward. They may do so by calling 9-1-1 or calling the Monroe County Sheriffs office directly at (585) 753-4400.
NEW, RELATED POST: Former Sr. Pastor of Victory Church in Henrietta NY (Joe Burress Sr.) has plead guilty to sexually abusing children
Since the inception of this blog (January 2015), I have been faithfully writing on a daily basis, with blog posts written on my “good days” and scheduled in advance, to ensure seamless content being published. Unfortunately, around the beginning of Lent I started to struggle again, both emotionally and physically. It would be putting it lightly to say the last couple months, especially the month of April, have been extremely tough for me.
While I strive to be transparent in my writing, I don’t usually get too personal with my blog posts. Today’s post will break that trend. This month the Lord has put it on my heart to dig deep and share in a way that I am super uncomfortable. Even if there is only one of you out there that can identify, I know it’s worth making myself vulnerable. If you find yourself relating as you read along, this blog post was probably meant for you!
April marks the end of Lent and celebration of Easter. Here in New York, flowers begin to break ground and the Birds return, waking us with their beautiful song.
April is a month that points to new life and new beginnings. I was born in April. I’m an April Fool’s baby.
April is also Sexual Assault Awareness Month and I am a survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse.
“Sometimes God redeems your story by surrounding you with people who need to hear about your past, so it doesn’t become their future.” ~Jon Acuff
I don’t remember much from my childhood, but I remember a man in my church who befriended kids. He was probably in his mid to late 30’s at the time and married to a woman named Sharyn. They both lived with Sharyn’s mom, Grace, in Honeoye Falls, NY. He was a tall, charismatic man who wore suits that looked like they were from the 60’s. Powdered pink. Baby blue. His hair was dark, parted to the right, and slicked back, like Ward Cleaver from Leave it to Beaver. He had a smile that would rival Mr. Rogers’. Most of the adults in the church seemed to really like and respect him. Steve Erickson. The name of my first abuser. He had his favorites and I was one of them.
When I turned eleven the repeated sexual abuse I experienced at the hands of this man finally stopped. The pastor’s son caught him trying to grope me in the back hallway of our church and confronted him. He told Steve to leave me alone or he would tell everyone what he had been doing.
It wasn’t long after this confrontation that the pastor’s daughter befriended me. She invited me over for a sleepover. It was the first time I had ever spent the night away from home.
One night when I was sleeping over, her brother, the same boy who had saved me from my first abuser, snuck into her bedroom. We were both asleep. He woke me up with an ugly goblin looking puppet (Boglin) and motioned for me to be quiet so as not to wake up anyone else.
He proceeded to touch me as I lay in his sister’s bed.
He had saved me from my first abuser, so I trusted him.
He told me he liked me.
I was too young to realize he was abusing me too.
For the next five years this abuse continued on and off, only at the time I thought I was in love. I would do anything this boy asked me to and he would use our little secret to control me. Our “relationship” continued until he finally went away to bible college.
It was the month of April when I saw this boy again. Only he was no longer a boy. He was now married. More than five years had passed. He and his wife had moved back to New York after attending bible college in Missouri. His father, the pastor at the time, had recruited them to run a young adult group for the church.
His life seemed to be going so well, while my life was falling apart. I was twenty-one and a single mom at the time. I had just moved in with a my boyfriend who was a drug dealer and ex-convict. I had turned from the church and the things of God long before his return.
This man and his wife started to call me at home. I remember dodging their calls for months. I had heard through the grapevine they were trying to recruit young adults to attend their new church group and I had no interest in joining. When things between my live-in boyfriend and I started to get rocky (ex: he was physically and emotionally abusive), I finally gave in and revisited my childhood church.
Despite being married, the pastor’s son (my childhood “hero” and “first love”) took special interest in me. He convinced me to break things off with my boyfriend and even recruited a bunch of men from the church to move me back into my parent’s home.
It didn’t take long for him to find ways to spend time alone with me. He convinced his wife to get a part time job as a waitress and to take on ballroom dance lessons.
I am ashamed to admit that up to this point I had never read the bible on my own. I was ruled by my emotions and easily believed his lies. It didn’t take long for him to convince me to take part in an adulterous affair.
He made me believe he loved me and would have married me, but that his father forced him to get married to this woman because they were having premarital sex.
He would use bible verses to deceive me into believing that in God’s eyes WE were married first because of the sexual things he had done to me as a kid.
He would use manipulative tactics to make me feel sorry for him, stating his wife didn’t love him and that she had already cheated on him.
He told me she made him wife swap with another couple when they lived in Missouri and that’s why they had to move back to New York (please see comments section below where it’s clarified that it was actually him that convinced her to take part in this).
He used scripture to imply that in God’s eyes they were already divorced.
He bought me jewelry and told me that it was “our little secret.”
He made up stories for me to tell about where I got the jewelry, how I was spending my time, and instructed me to repeat the stories to anyone that asked.
Within six months of moving back home, he and his wife divorced.
It didn’t take long for members of the church to start hearing rumors about the pastor’s son and his ex-wife. His father, the pastor, approached me privately. He made me aware of a deacon meeting that was going to be held to vote as to whether or not his son should step down from leadership.
The pastor convinced me to rally the troops to protest this decision. He asked me to get all the young adults in our church group to write up a testimony about how his son had helped them grow in the Lord since his return to New york. I was naive and eager to earn his respect, so I agreed to take part in his.
The deacon board voted and it was agreed that his son could stay on staff as the young adult leader.
There was a huge split within our church and those that opposed his staying on staff ended up leaving the church.
Shortly after, the pastor’s son and I ended up dating publicly, but the relationship didn’t last. I started to study the bible for myself, and he quickly became physically abusive any time I challenged his manipulative and sinful ways. I resorted to coping behaviors I had learned while he was away at college.
One time he caught me out drinking alone. He was livid. He forced me to ride home with him to my parents house where I was still living. On the way we got into an argument and I tried to jump out of the vehicle as it approached a red light. He caught me by the hair and pulled me back into the vehicle and proceeded to choke me out (the rear naked choke hold he used is a blood choke hold he practiced in his Mixed Martial Arts).
I wish I could say I wised up and left him after this incident, but I didn’t. I broke things off for a while, but he was relentless with his apologies and in pursuing me. I was eventually lured back into the relationship. It took yet another altercation where he knocked me out cold in front of my two year old daughter before I attempted to seek help.
That April, I wrote a letter to the director of counseling of the church and explained everything that had transpired over the last year, including how the relationship began in adultery and details of the physical abuse I endured.
What I didn’t know at the time was that I was not the only women the pastor’s son had been grooming. While he went on to publicly date me for the first time, he was seeing another women behind the scenes. The neighbor of his divorce attorney. Three months after I broke things off with him, he went on to marry her.
That didn’t stop him from attempting to pursue me again several times after his second marriage, and even after I was married myself.
At my husbands suggestion, I reached out to the director of counseling, again, to make him aware. The counselor was (and still is) good friends with the pastor and his son. I realize now this individual was more concerned with the church image and protecting the pastor and his family because nothing was done to address anything that I reported to him.
My first abuser went on to adopt a little girl. She is currently sixteen. I can’t fathom the heinous things that poor girl has faced at the hands of her adoptive father. My childhood church could have engaged law enforcement when I finally came forward about him, but they chose to handle the claim internally within the church instead.
My second abuser, the pastor’s son, went on to allegedly abuse a sixteen year old girl, a German foreign exchange student who was living with him and his wife at the time. A young man and his wife’s sisters had previously come forward to say they had been sexually abused by him too. Despite media attention surrounding these “sexual abuse allegations” he was promoted to head pastor and continues to maintain his innocence.
It has taken years of counseling for me to realize how deeply the grooming of these two abusers affected me. To this day I have night terrors, panic attacks, severe social anxiety, and issues trusting people in authority.
Some days are tougher than others. On the days I find myself struggling, I use that energy to pray for my abusers and for others like me.
I am a survivor.
I am not perfect.
I am not without sin.
The same God who sent His son to die on the cross as payment for my sins died for my abuser’s sins too.
If you are a survivor of sexual assault or abuse and have remained silent, I want to encourage you to speak out.
I lived in fear and silence for years… No more!
Those who abused me no longer have power over me. Their lies no longer control me. I refuse to allow my past to master me.
God is faithful and promises to bring truth into the light.
“For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open (Luke 8:17).”
Please, Lord, protect the hearts of those closest to this story and comfort those who may still be hurting. I know you allowed for even the darkest moments of my life to draw others and myself closer to you. Thank you for the heart of compassion you have given me, especially for survivors of sexual assault and abuse. Thank you for being a shelter for the weak, and refuge for the oppressed. I pray those reading this who are still seeking will put their hope and trust in you. I pray this all for your glory, Lord, in Jesus name, Amen!
*RELATED POST – We Have This Hope: My Story of Sexual Abuse & Salvation
*updated July 3, 2017 to include a ping back to Brent Brookhouse with Vox Media’s investigative article on Victory Church and make timeline corrections regarding German foreign exchange student reporting timeline, as per her own account in the comment section below. Please also note, Paul Burress was fired from Victory Church in June 2017 after additional allegations were made. His father, Joe Burress Sr. was reinstated as head pastor in the interim.
**September 11, 2017 – update:
Paul Burress was arrested on Friday and faces two counts of forcible touching (source: Democrat & Chronicle, USA Today).
***September 12, 2017 – update:
local tv news station reporting (13WHAM video)
local radio interview with recent accuser (Radio 95.1 video)
****September 15, 2017 – update:
local tv news station interviews a second accuser where explicit allegations are revealed (13WHAM)
two additional charges – additional victims come forward (Democrat & Chronicle, 13WHAM)
****September 19, 2017 – update:
Paul Burress – Criminal Complaint
pleads not guilty to forcible touching (Democrat & Chronicle, 13WHAM)
****October 26, 2017 – update:
According to the DA’s office, “nothing of substance happened in court tonight and the case was adjourned to November 27.”
****November 27, 2017 – update:
According to a representative with the Hentietta Town Court, nothing of substance happened in court and the case was adjourned (again) to January 18, 2018.
****January 18, 2018 – update: According to a Henrietta Town Court Representative, (they still could not come to a plea deal or the lawyer in the case requested more time, so) court was adjourned until February 26 @ 5pm.
****February 26, 2018 – update: I spoke to a Henrietta Town Court Representative who advised court was adjourned (again) until March 14 @ 5pm. Prayer Warriors: Please continue to pray for all of those affected by this!!!!
Update #2: A source present at court last night let me know that there is a plea deal on the table that would involve one year probation (laughable), sex offender status (unfortunately NOT a level that requires registry), and an order of protection for the victims (which actually has already been in place since around the time the charges were filed).
***March 14, 2018 – update: Paul Burress, Henrietta Fight Church Pastor who faced four counts of forcible touching, accepted a plea deal in Henrietta, NY town court tonight (B Misdemeanor, Sexual Abuse 3rd. One year probation as a sex offender. On his record permanently (13WHAM, Democrat & Chronicle, Christian Post)).
Paul is scheduled to return to court for sentencng on May 29th (13WHAM).
June 4, 2021 NEW, RELATED POST: Former Sr. Pastor of Victory Church in Henrietta NY (Joe Burress Sr.) has plead guilty to sexually abusing children
ATTENTION!!!! If you were a victim of abuse at Victory Church, it’s not too late, please! consider joining these most recent victims who are bravely speaking up. You are not alone. The Sheriff’s Office encourages other possible victims to come forward. They may do so by calling 9-1-1 or calling the Monroe County Sheriffs office directly at (585) 753-4400.
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